Waiting can be a very agonizing process. In fact, most of us hates waiting. It's pretty visible around us. I remember waiting for a delayed flight alone. Sitting in a crowd I could feel the tension arising. When there was an announcement that the flight would be delayed for an hour, the entire crowd let out a huge sigh. I, on the other hand, broke into laughter. It was pretty amusing because it sounded like a live orchestra of different tones haha! I thought I was pretty well trained in waiting because I had to wait for buses since young. The greatest training would come when the bus broke down and my friends and I had to wait for hours for our only mode of transportation home from school. Now, that's what I thought - that waiting is all about being patient until I faced my own difficulties in waiting - in that season, I felt I was more like the tensed crowd rather than the laughing individual in the airport.
To be honest, I have been waiting pretty much most of my life. Besides the physical wait, I was also spiritually waiting for God. God and I signed lots of deals along the way as I was growing up haha! Among the deals, there were three of God's promises that I have been holding on to until today - a full time ministry, God's visitation and the man of my life. Waiting, however, got a little tough in the past season and I thought I was running out of patience haha! Soon, I felt disheartened. In fact, I began to think of everything I have dreamed of with God as impossible. I felt the written desires on my heart were very far from reach. In going through all of these, I was questioning myself - I could have felt all of these for a long time but why now?
And my "why now?" was on the way of being answered. Throughout the struggle with waiting, God was rebuilding my identity. I have come to realize that I have not truly known what it means to be His daughter and to be loved by Him. I had a lot of scars that needed healing - scars of rejection that affected my view of God's love. The horror of all horrors is to find out that I do not have complete trust in God that He will do all that He said He would. I was afraid of disappointments. That was totally highlighted when God asked me to believe for a specific person and a specific place. God, in His love, just kept saying "I love you, May. I will never fail you. I will never break your heart."
Now, at the crossroads, I found myself looking to God about His promises. Yet again and again, God spoke and said " I love you, May. I will never fail you. I will never break your heart." With some help sent, I began to realize that waiting ain't a formula. It flows out of our relationship with God. It is resting in His love and knowing we will do well simply because we are highly favoured and loved. Waiting is not about the amount of patience, it is about the attitude we have while waiting. If we know who we are in God, we will enjoy the wait and be faithful in the little things He places in our hands. I finally understand that it was not really about receiving God's promises - it was about knowing who I am and believing God for all He said He is.
With all the waiting, God had dealt with a large amount of my struggles and I always find myself thanking God for not releasing His promises yet because He and I know that I am not fully ready. To many, they have seen most things in my life as very delayed. Even when God dragged my degree to more than two years before I could complete it. But now to me, it has never been a delay. God's timing was and still is completely perfect. Looking back, I only see God's goodness. With every wait, He was changing my heart and setting me free. I am still waiting but I am doing it differently now. Because I finally understand God's will is perfect. He knows what He is doing. He is constantly setting the path ahead of me even when I don't see it. I will be all that He has promised simply because He loves me. He will never fail me.
May. =)
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